Funny Safety Quotes: A Survival Guide to the Modern World
Navigating the daily hazards of existence requires a thick skin and an even thicker sense of irony. We have curated these funny safety quotes to help you laugh in the face of danger, bad drivers, and the general incompetence of the human race.
"Safety humor works because it allows us to laugh at the terrifying fragility of our existence while acknowledging we are all one bad decision away from a slapstick disaster."
Road Warriors and Asphalt Idiots
The modern highway is less of a transportation network and more of a chaotic social experiment. These insights celebrate the sheer absurdity of the steering wheel and the people who clearly never passed a driver's ed course.
I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.
I don’t mind driving in bad weather. I mind other people driving in bad weather.
Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.
I wear sunglasses when I'm driving so nobody knows I'm asleep.
If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”
My anti-theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I drive safer when there's food in my passenger's seat than when there's a person sitting there.
DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.
One thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction.
Domestic Disasters and Household Hazards
Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, yet it is where most of us manage to get ourselves into ridiculous scrapes. From childproofing failures to dubious kitchen expiration dates, these quotes highlight the domestic perils we ignore daily.
How long past date can I eat eggs? Like are they still good or am I naming them now?
A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave- and dishwasher-safe.
Needs to be a Google Maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Existential Risks and General Malarkey
Whether you are hiking in bear country or just trying to navigate the digital footprint of your own life, danger is everywhere. Here is how to keep your cool while everything around you is potentially, theoretically, or definitely on fire.
The dead bodies on Mt. Everest remind me that it's perfectly fine to stay home and be lazy.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These donuts are for my safety.
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, Eat cake.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research, thanks.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work. The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
There's a cougar warning in my neighborhood, but apparently it's just a big cat. I bought a case of wine coolers for nothing.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Do not EVER text while driving. Please use the giant iPad attached to your dashboard.
Staying Alive, One Punchline at a Time
While we cannot guarantee your safety in a world filled with bad drivers and questionable dating advice, we can guarantee that laughing at the situation makes the inevitable chaos much more bearable. Stay safe, stay skeptical, and keep your doors locked.