Marriage Is a Comedy: 50 Relatable Husband Quotes That Prove He’s a Mystery

I'm not speaking to my husband, and I don’t think he even knows it.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

I'm not talking to my husband and I don’t think he even knows it.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me.

My husband asked me if he had any annoying habits then got offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately knows what to do.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu. And then he has questions. Please send help.

When my husband says he'll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, "do it yourself."

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realized it was a motorbike outside.

My future husband is very lucky; he will never stay hungry, because I know so many restaurants with delicious food.

My husband loves it when he orders fries, I say I don’t want any, and then I swoop in on his like a seagull at the beach.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

I don't understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

My husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape, so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, but in reality it is my husband's stubborn head.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on TikTok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

If you listen to my husband snore, you don't need Jurassic Park anymore.

Gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting.

Every Reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

One day I'll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, "She got that from you," and I can't wait.

Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.

Fun fact: the creator of Barbie and the creator of Hot Wheels were husband and wife.

I hate to break it to you, guys, but my husband says you're not real. He just called you my imaginary friends.

At the airport, and a wife asked her husband, “Where are our seats?” and he responds, “In the airplane.”

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I'm so single, even my husband won't match with me on Tinder.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.