Til Death Do Us Part (Or At Least Until Next Tuesday): Funny Commitment Quotes
Exploring the existential dread of picking a restaurant, let alone a life partner, requires a sense of humor. These funny commitment quotes dissect our modern inability to sign a contract, be it a lease or a lifetime vow, without spiraling into a existential crisis.
"Commitment humor resonates because it is the only way to cope with the crushing reality that we are expected to make decisions that last longer than our attention spans."
The Art of the Flake
The modern schedule is a delicate house of cards that collapses the moment someone suggests hanging out. We have turned rescheduling into a high-stakes competitive sport where the goal is to never actually meet.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I am not someone you have to host if you invite me, because I will have canceled.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”
Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it's not gonna happen.
Single by choice. Just not my choice.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Marriage: A Lifetime Subscription Nobody Read the Terms For
Marriage is the only venture where you pay thousands of dollars for a party just to legally bind yourself to someone who steals all the covers. It is a beautiful, terrifying trap of shared debt and missing socks.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn't know that a warship was anchored there.
Marriage is for life. But when that was first said, life was shorter.
Marriage is so scary. What do you mean I can't have my own room?
Stop making eye contact with me, I can't afford a wedding right now.
Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.
Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.
If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.
Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.
“I have a date with destiny.” Yeah well, I’m in a long-term relationship with the consequences of my actions.
Dating and Other Forms of Self-Sabotage
Navigating the dating pool today feels like trying to find a fresh vegetable in a dumpster fire. We are all terrified of the D-word, yet we keep downloading apps, hoping to find someone who fits our very specific, high-maintenance lifestyle.
Scared to go on dates, cause what if I find the one and never be able to be single again.
Oh, you’re in a situationship? Are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self-worth?
People always say, "There’s plenty of fish in the sea" … yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.
No we can’t hangout, you’ll end up falling in love with me and I don’t have time for that.
Don’t fall for me — I’ll treat you right, and you’ll get bored and cheat.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I'm so toxic, I can fight for a relationship I don't even want.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If you show her you care, she will keep you as a spare.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realizing a lot more was expected from you.
My ex said I had commitment issues but this giant jar of Nutella says otherwise.
Commitment-Phobic Life Hacks
Why limit commitment to romance? We struggle to commit to diets, exercise regimens, and even basic life milestones. Here are the half-hearted attempts we make to avoid becoming 'a functioning adult.'
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment. I wanted something with no strings attached.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Never signed up for a 401k cause there’s no way in hell I can run that far.
I will never stop being a quitter!
I feel bad for Slash. He bought a goofy hat in like 1986 and now he has to wear it until the day he dies.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.
When I say I'm saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru, it just depends how committed to the task you are.
The Final Verdict on Vowing Anything
Ultimately, the only thing we should truly commit to is the realization that we are all just making it up as we go along. Keep your expectations low, your plans loose, and your sense of humor locked and loaded.